I might only have one match…

Have you ever had to think about what to do with the last RM5 in your wallet? Do you eat? Or do you put petrol in the tank so you can get to work? Which do you choose?

I chose to get myself to work. It was quite a while ago, but I remember the feeling. The anger, the bitterness that I am unable to take care of my family as I feel they should be taken care of and the hopelessness that sets in when I decide to put petrol because if I don’t get to work, I don’t earn money.

That feeling that I hugged close to me, that bitterness I felt when I looked around at my former schoolmates, my extended relatives, my colleagues, that feeling of being hard done by, that anger at the injustice of it all, drove me to succeed in my chosen fields. That anger, it took me a long time to get over it. Or so I thought.

Did anyone know how I really felt? I doubt it. I had pride. There was no way in hell that I was going to let anyone know my real situation.

I used to make jokes about being part of the urban poor. Nobody knew I was telling the truth. Nobody knew how much pride and anger drove me then.

I have not blogged, or written up a recipe in months. Friends thought I had been distracted by my “new” causes – kickstarting the Guerrilla Gardeners of KL (GGKL), joining Feeding the Needy (FTN), starting up #projecttikar… so distracted that I had lost focus on my little enterprise, the Straits Heritage Foods company.

The truth was, I had – and I hadn’t. I realised that the setting up of the company was a cumulation of everything that I had experienced over the last few decades. That what I wanted to do was not just take care of my family, but to give a chance to everyone I came across who felt the way I had, that that innate sense of justice I had somehow developed (I find it amazing that I have not become some sort of psychopath), would not let me rest.

Starting up GGKL, joining FTN, starting #projecttikar, all that, I realised, dovetailed into what I wanted for SHF, to take care of the disadvantaged, the poor, the hungry and the lonely.

There is something about being driven by anger and pride, you never let your guard down, you never let anyone close enough to you to drop those masks, you never let anyone in. One becomes very lonely that way. I remember not so very long ago, when I felt like I could no longer feel (that’s an oxymoron if ever there was one). That I was numb. I began to put my affairs in order – EPF beneficiaries, check, house mortgages, to be covered by insurance, check, life insurance, check – and ensured that my parents and my brother would be financially taken care of. I had done my duty by them. The plan was to make it look like an accident. That’s the thing about the successful suicides – nobody ever guesses. Nobody will know until it’s too late.

Then an old friend showed up in my life. Perceptive person that he was, I tried to avoid meeting him but couldn’t dodge him. He sat across from me in the conference room and asked me one question: So how are you planning to do it? I denied it, of course I did, but he had seen to the heart of the matter. The result of that meeting caused me to reexamine myself and my life. But that’s another story.

The not-so-end result caused me to decide to leave the PR industry and eventually set up SHF, but I was not done. Setting up a small artisanal business was hard work. Banging on bank doors, asking for loans to grow a fledgling company (half a dozen banks at last count, almost all of which was met by “we need a track record of 18 months to two years before we can lend you money and my increasingly angry response of “If I HAD the money to survive and grow my business for two years, I wouldn’t be coming to see you, would I?”), was nothing if not disheartening.

Juggling freelance consulting work while trying to grow the business was draining. Insomnia, which I already had, became worse. I had started volunteering with FTN while running GGKL. But the solitary nocturnal wanderings in the city started again. I became increasingly aware of the “invisibles” of this city of Kuala Lumpur, the people I now call the citizens of Kolumpo Below. And that led me to start up #projecttikar.

And now… now, I have begun another chapter. A chapter where all my projects come together, where if this succeeds, I have an answer and a solution to the problems I have seen and identified. A scary new chapter, filled with even more uncertainties, even more pit falls, even more challenges. But it is something that I am willing to risk everything for, which is why I have even put up my apartment, my home, for sale, because it needs seed money, because no bloodsucking banker would back me, because it has never been done before.

A friend asked me recently: ” You’re having problems even taking care of yourself and you’re struggling to pay your own bills. Why aren’t you taking care of yourself first instead of distracting yourself by doing all this homeless, urban poor stuff. Where are you going to live if you do this?”

My answer to that now is clear. It’s not where I will live, it’s HOW I will live. And that’s how I am taking care of myself. If it means taking care of other people – if it means giving them a fighting chance to earn a living, to succeed, to achieve something – it will do.

And how will I do it? By doing what I do best – feeding people, something I find joy in doing. It’s not just about filling a person’s stomach. It’s also about feeding their souls. And sometimes, all it takes to feed the soul is a little care and consideration – eye contact and an acknowledgement that they exist, that they’re still a part of humanity.

Because I am once again on a budget, I have begun developing recipes that can feed many yet is relatively inexpensive. The following is a recipe that can feed six to nine people cheaply.

The ingredients for my version of Mee Siam 

  • One packet of mee hoon or vermicelli (RM2.50 – RM4.50, depending on brand)
  • Three to four cloves of garlic, chopped
  • Three to four shallots, chopped
  • A couple pieces of asam keping
  • Cooking oil, about half a cup
  • Two to three eggs (budget one egg for two people, for an entire pack of vermicelli that can feed up to nine people, four eggs will do, cost RM2)
  • Two pieces of white tofu (the hard type, not the soft type, cost RM0,50 apiece)
  • A stick of fish cake, or two (Optional, depending on budget – anywhere from RM1 to RM3.50 for a pack of three fish cakes)
  • Shrimp (optional)
  • Half a bottle of Straits Heritage Foods Sambal Belacan (RM11 a bottle)
  • Two to three stalks of spring onion
  • One or two tomatoes, quartered and cut into eighths (this is optional, depending on whether you have it in your fridge)
  • Salt and pepper to season
Soak vermicelli in cold water with a little salt and a couple pieces of asam keping (tamarind slices)

Step One (prep – about 15-20 minutes): 

  • Soak vermicelli in cold water with a little salt and a couple pieces of asam keping for about 20 minutes
  • Finely chop garlic and shallot
  • Slice tofu into cubes
  • Slice fish cakes
  • Cut the tomatoes
  • Cut the spring onion into about 2cm lengths
  • Crack and beat the eggs
Brown tofu cubes

Step Two (Cooking – about 15-30 minutes, depending on how good you are at multitasking) 

  • Make sure you have a big enough wok or divide up the cooking into two rounds
  • Heat oil in pan, toss in tofu cubes to brown
  • In another pan, start making thin egg crepes. Slice the omelettes thinly into strips after they have cooled down
  • After the tofu cubes are browned, toss in chopped garlic and shallots and saute until translucent
  • Toss in half bottle of SHF sambal belacan
  • Saute until fragrant (it should be about five to eight minutes)
  • Toss in browned tofu cubes
  • Toss in shrimp
  • Toss in tomatoes
  • Saute for about two minutes
  • Toss in the vermicelli
  • Add about half a cup of water
  • Start stirring and tossing, from the bottom of the pan up, to make sure as little as possible of the vermicelli sticks to the pan
  • It will seem a little wet at first but as the vermicelli soaks up the sauteed sambal mix, it will start to turn a light salmon colour.
  • Stir and toss until it is almost dry
  • Add the sliced spring onion
  • Add the egg strips
  • Saute until dry (it should be for another 10 minutes or less)
A simple and easy to prepare meal for six to nine people

It might sound time consuming and there might seem to be a lot of ingredients but most of the ingredients are optional, depending on budget. With the basic ingredients (not including shrimp, one portion should cost anywhere from RM1.50 to RM2.50. Garnish with a sprinkling of SHF’s sambal udang kering.

Just because I’m on a budget doesn’t mean I can’t feed my friends. Besides, it makes me happy to see them enjoying my food. And that’s kind of the point, isn’t it?


The Origin Of Love

WARNING: Possible navel lint ahead.

It’s amazing how a spot of illness can bring out the snivelly, self pitying, weakling in me. That’s when I think to myself, screw this self sufficient, independent woman crap, I just want someone to look after me. I want someone to tuck me under the covers, stay up and check in on me occasionally, rub Vicks on my congested chest, make me a hot drink. I want hot toddy, sympathy and a warm hug on the ready, despite the streaming snot, clammy sweat and woozy protestations of “I’m better now” while stoked up on antihistamines.

Times like these, I ask myself, what was so wrong with me that I can’t find and be with someone who doesn’t just bring out the best in me but who also wouldn’t run away screaming the other way at seeing the worst of me – and I don’t just mean while I’m ill either.

Once in a while, I hit a pothole of realisation – if I want someone to do that for me, I’ve got to be willing to go that distance for that other person too. And worse, I’ve got to be able to go that distance for the other person without expectation that that same person was willing to do that for me. Because that’s the meaning of love, isn’t it? To be able to give of oneself fully without expectation, and if you get something back, well, that’s a bonus.

It makes me wonder though, how many partnerships or marriages are truly like that? In a world where there’s never something for nothing, do we always venture into relationships expecting something? And is that why we’re constantly disappointed?

I know someone whose partner is currently battling for his life and I look at how my friend has stuck steadfastly by his side, staying up and nursing his partner through the night not because he is obligated but because he wants to continue to be with this person and I suffer not a little twinge of envy. To have found someone who’s been in your life for almost 20 years, and to want to continue to fight for more time to be with that person, that must be something.

By the very same token, I look at another friend who has been married for almost 20 years; he’s never strayed, ever, but on the odd cold dark night of the soul, with one too many vodkas in him, he admits quietly that he loves her but she’s never been and never will be his soulmate and that if they had been older when they met, they might not have married.

I would love to have the former, but would I settle for the latter, like so many others? Is it worth it? As I get better, my answer becomes firmer. No. There are some things in this world we shouldn’t settle for. And if I can’t give as good as I get, then it’s also not fair to the other party. And that’s not the one for me. And so I continue to make my own hot toddy and nurse my own cough and cold.

The ingredients for a hot toddy: 

  • Half a cup of water
  • A shot of whisky
  • A tablespoon of wild honey
  • A lemon quarter & a slice of lemon

Heat up the cup of water, add the whisky and honey. Squeeze the lemon quarter, pop in the slice of lemon. Stir. Sip slowly.

Sometimes, though, I don’t want that lingering warmth. So I turn to an alternative. I settle for hot ginger and Coke. And I hope that this will be the only time I settle for something less. Almost as effective in warming up a congested chest but, still, less.

The ingredients for hot ginger & Coke:

  • A cup of Coca Cola
  • Three to four slices of ginger

Bring the Coke to a boil, toss in the ginger, boil for a minute or so. Decant, sip.

Then I sit and ponder the night away on the phrase “It’s not you, it’s me”.


Note: No pictures this time around; I wouldn’t recommend trying to take pictures while woozy. 



What’s going on?

It’s been a most peculiar few months.

From burnt out apathy to chasing a new dream and facing a new big hill of hope; from sailing on still, slightly sentimental waters to hitting hysterically emotional rapids with submerged rocks and from waking up smiling and on a high to staying in bed, curled up under the covers, trying to hide my tears even from myself.

Internally, there is hope yet doubt, optimism yet uncertainty, confidence yet fear. Externally, on some days, when reading the news, I feel a near breakdown of faith in humanity and the state of the country and I think screw evolution, let’s aim for revolution.

What the hell is going on? PMS? Peri-menopausal stress? Is it biological? Physiological? Psychological? Mental? Emotional? Am I finally really losing it?

Time passes fast, I’m rushing to pick up supplies, driving from Kuala Lumpur to Klang and back again. I’m cooking for mother, filling backlogged orders for clients, trying to keep up with paperwork and, late at night, staring at a blank screen, willing myself to vomit out clogged up decades-old emotions putrefying inside. Self-therapy seriously sucks sometimes.

I realise I’m neglecting myself a little, then more than a little. No time, no inclination to eat full meals. I eat on the run or not at all. This cannot go on. If this roller coaster is to continue, I have to have real sustenance.

What’s fast, easy to whip up, won’t go bad in the fridge too fast? What vegetables will stand the test of time yet remain tasty?

The answer was easy.

Tomatoes: always tasty, extremely versatile, a good source of vitamins, and energy, a super food.

Cucumber: High water content, vitamins and provides that essential crunch needed in a good salad.

Corn: Raw, of course, complex carbs, check. Another super food, practically.

The base ingredients for Trinity Salad

  • Half a punnet of red cherry tomatoes
  • Half a punnet of yellow cherry tomatoes (optional)
  • One Japanese cucumber
  • Baby corn, can be substituted with raw sweet corn


  • One teaspoonful of Straits Heritage Foods (SHF) Sambal Belacan
  • Juice from half a lime or lemon or whatever citrus you have on hand
  • Splash of olive oil

Chop up all the vegetables, whip the vinaigrette ingredients together, toss everything into a bowl.

Time check: 5 Minutes.

A base trio of red and yellow cherry tomatoes, Japanese cucumber and baby corn
Alternatively, for more chewiness, substitute baby corn with raw sweet corn

Ingredients for Trinity Chicken Salad

  • About 150gms of chicken fillet. Always good to have in the freezer. After buying, split it up into singleton portions of about 150gms into separate freezer/Ziplock bags and freeze. Make sure the chicken pieces are dry when you pop them in. Freezer-burnt chicken, no matter how much you cook it, tastes awful.  
  • Marinate chunks of chicken fillet in teaspoonful of SHF sambal belacan with a splash of oil. Toss into hot pan. Stir fry until cooked. Toss contents of pan, chicken, oil and all into salad trio. Mix.
  • Stuff the tossed Trinity Chicken salad into pita bread, or any flat bread. Or just bread. Or eat it like that. Whatever.
Marinate chicken chunks in a teaspoonful of sambal belacan and oil then fry off
When cooked, pour into trio of vegetables and toss
Stuff tossed chicken salad into pita bread

Ingredients for Trinity Tuna Salad 

  • One can of tuna in olive oil.
  • Open can, drain half of the oil, plop tuna into bowl, add teaspoonful of sambal belacan. Smash everything together with a fork. If you’re feeling fancy, squeeze in a splash of lime.
  • Plop smooshed up sambal belacan tuna onto trio of vegetables. Mix. Eat as is or use as sandwich filling.
  • Optional, if one is craving protein: Boil an egg or fry up a sausage or if really hungry, do both. Arrange nicely in bowl. Then smoosh everything together. Also therapeutic, if one is repressing some level of aggression.
Alternatively, to make life easier, use tuna. Toss tuna in vinaigrette of sambal belacan, oil and splash of fresh-squeezed lime juice. Then toss tuna into salad trio.
A quick yet healthy meal
Dress it up with fried chopped sausage and a boiled egg


Experiment with other vegetables or proteins, canned, fresh or otherwise. The key here is fast, fast, fast, 10 minutes or under.

Beats ordering in fast food again.